Today . . .

So, I made a quick trip to Sacramento today for work. Had a great meeting - very worthwhile. It was made even more worthwhile because I got to sneak in a lunch with J! I have missed him, so much! I really wanted to maul him, right then and there, but was fairly certain that the other patrons at Chili's wouldn't have appreciated it!

Even better news? He's on his way up right now and should be here by 8:00 or so. It amazes me that D and I have lived in this house for 4+ years by ourselves and it's never seemed so empty before! It just feels like home when J is here. And that, for me, is the weirdest thing of all! Because I always assumed (as did those close to me) that I would struggle the most with sharing space and routine with someone. It has not, as of yet, been a struggle. I mean, we've had our moments. I need to learn to share a little better. I need to drop my defenses when he asks about situations or issues with D. It's hard for me at certain moments, but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

But right now, all I can think about is burying my lips into that man's luscious neck! That's not difficult for me in the slightest!

Freaky Ass Weather!

One Month . . .

One month ago, December 30, 2005, I met the man that I'm going to marry. (No, there's no official "ask & answer" yet). And he just sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses. With a fantastic card. How many men remember their one month anniversary? I love him so much that it literally takes my breath away.

48 Hours To Go . . .

This has been so hard. This is the longest that we've been away from each other AND it's the most involved J has been with work since we started this whole deal. He has been super focused. And being that he is a man, when he's focused, good luck getting in his head! It really is past time for him to concentrate on work, certainly. But it doesn't make it any easier!

I am going down to Sacramento on Tuesday for a meeting. My plan is to meet J for lunch, even though he'll be at my house by 8:00 pm that night. I actually considered trying to get down there Monday night, even though he'd be working until 12:30 am. Given that he'd probably sleep until my meeting at 10:00, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I can honestly say, I've never physically missed someone so much. Whenever I've been away from D, (a) it's never been longer than three days and (b) always been super busy. Being at home, doing our normal thing just makes it harder for him to be gone.

NBC Nightly News ran a story on the Air Force Medical compound in Balad. D called and alerted L that the the media had been there all day and they time of airing. I had suspected, and it was confirmed by the clip, that they had taken Bob Woodruff and Doug Vogt there. We didn't see D on the clip, but L saw a few folks that she recognized. J will see it when he comes up on Tuesday. It definitely brings it all home. Makes me even more emotional, if that's possible right now!

I'm getting there . . .

So I added my flickr link (although I wanted it a little farther down the sidebar). That's something! Now if I could just customize this dang template without spending hours learning stupid code . . . come on, someone has to be able to help me? Anyone? Then if I could just add my playlists through iTunes, I think I could be considered a techie, ya know?

Maybe. But probably not! If I'd just give in and let J into my blog then he could likely do it for me. But then where would I process all of my innermost thoughts? (Not like he doesn't hear them anyway, so why am I hung up on it?)

Basketball Fun!

Finally, a Moment or Two . . .

What a freakin' couple of days! I am only an 80% employee. Which typically translates into having some flexibility and not working most Fridays. Today was not one of those Fridays! I started at 5:00 am. Took D to school, came back to "finish" up a few pertinent projects, and got sucked into a whirlwind of craziness.

We have a few projects that go to public hearing next week. Today, apparently, was the day that everyone was going to freak . . . about all of them! Between the attorneys, reporters and Commissioners, I ran my phone battery down to nothing by 11:00 am. I finally finished at 3:30. My office looks like it exploded. I am going to ignore it, at least for a while!

J is down at the base for the weekend. We had toyed with idea of D and I going down tonight and seeing a movie, having dinner and coming back up tomorrow morning. We decided that both D and I needed a bit of time at home, just relaxing and catching up. It was a good decision, given what today turned into! We may go down tomorrow night, if we feel like it, but it feels good right now to have nothing to do tonight.

For those who know my history, you know that my nickname is Fertile Myrtle. I am also a paranoid freak. So I ripped my hormone patch off a few days early since I was PMSing so badly. I expected to start my period within moments. But I didn't. So I freaked. Fifteen minutes prior to our first counseling appointment together, I decide that I must take an EPT - right then! So we bought a box (looking ahead to future freakiness) and I peed on one in the bathroom at the counselor's office. And then obsessively checked it for the next five minutes. See, I'm used to positive pregnancy tests. I didn't know what a negative looked like! So I made J run out to get the instructions and confirm it. I was absolutely NOT pregnant, and of course, started my period within about 30 minutes of having taken the test. Of course!

He was amazingly great about it though. He knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew (in my head) that I wasn't. We talked about it a lot. He is so good to me. He flat out said that if it's meant to be, it'll be. Now I'm a bit surprised that I'm kinda sad. I want different timing. I don't ever want to repeat the pregnant before married scenario again. But I'm still kinda sad!

OK, I'm off to make dinner for D. Which will be eaten in front of the TV. Because we can, damn it!

I am Alive!

So for those of you that read this blog to determine if I am still breathing? And call me when I haven't posted in five days to make sure that I haven't been abducted by aliens? I'm fine! Still kicking!

It's just been a super-crazy few days, full of meeting family and counseling appointments and looking at houses, all on top of regular life with a seven-year-old. It's all good, I just need to catch up a bit. Maybe work more than two hours at a stretch? I'll try and update tonight.

Have a great day!

A Crazy Day or Two

OK, so Thursday night, I thought I had lost my entire computer system. Things locked up in the midst of a virus scan and I got panicky. Added to the fact that D was still not feeling well, and by mid-morning on Friday, I was thinking that I would not be going down to stay with J. It was breaking my heart. My stomach was in knots and I just didn't know what to do! Lots of flip-flopping later, I set aside the computer issues and confirmed that D was feeling better. I set out later than planned, but was at least on my way down.

The trip was easy, although I got a bit stressed to realize that although I paid my DMV on time and they actually cashed the check, I didn't ever receive my registration and stickers. Why I thought of this on the way to see the love of my life? Who knows! They shouldn't have even let me on base, but they did, so for that, I'm dang grateful!

It was so good to see him. So good to connect on a completely adult level and have that time to let go of being a Mommy and balancing life. We have so much fun together. I love how we can laugh at the craziest of things. I love how he can mimic me down to exact tonal quality. I love that if I give him an inch, he takes a mile and has me laughing and shaking my head the whole while!

Mom and D had a good talk while I was gone. D talked about how he would feel if J and I get married (good), about J adopting him (good), about what he would call him if he did (not yet determined, but not "Papa" or "Daddy" for various reasons) and about me possibly having another baby (mostly good ...) My sister, however, must have talked to D about how she felt in labor???????? Told him that she stopped breathing and blah, blah, blah ... so poor D has been holding in all of this fear that I will stop breathing if I have another baby. And that if you stop breathing, you can die ... so they worked through that, my poor little Monkey and my Mama.

I got home and the sun was out - thank God! I finally managed to get through about 80% of cleaning out the garage. Well, maybe 70%. Then tonight, I was moving just one more box and managed to drop it. The very top item? A lovely Cabernet Sauvignon that was ranked 92 by Wine Spectator. Did you catch the "was"? It is now completely absorbed by two towels and sitting in the garbage can. The glass remnants are almost completely picked up as well.

So now I am doing delicate laundry. I can go months and ignore it all. Getting dressed for work and events definitely gets harder though! I forget what blouses I have and certain slacks. I tend to push the envelope though on "dry-clean only". I figure that washing in cold on gentle is good enough. Except for stuff that I REALLY love. Then I suck it up and take it to the cleaners. Which needs to happen soon. Because I also have three sleeping bags from camping last year that need to go as well. I put them in my car, just in hopes of moving them closer to the cleaners. Now my car probably smells like campfire!

Tomorrow I am planning a lazy morning. Get up, baseball cap on and run out to get donuts (for D) and the paper (for me). Then we're off to the 11:00 at BP and to lunch with friends after. J should be here in time for dinner, so I'll make a man-meal for him (meat and potatoes, all the way baby!). And then we'll settle back into the fact that he's here for three days. Then we start all over again!

Home Sick

D is at home, having a sick day. He was super groggy and hot when I tried to wake him this morning. I took his temp (102.5), gave him Motrin and sent him back to bed. He slept for another hour and a half and woke up feeling fine. He has some dark circles under his eyes and that glassy eyed/chapped lip look that kids get when they'll sick, but other than that, is really enjoying the down time. I think he needed it.

So I am waiting on some work for my office staff to produce so I can finalize the mid-year budget report for our February meeting. Until then, I can amuse myself with my blog and laundry and landing big kisses on D's head anytime I pass him by! But I should probably focus on some other items as well . . .

Quick Trip to Meet Dad

So I made a bonzai trip down to meet J's Dad and Stepmom today. I was up and working by 5:00 am to try and get enough work behind me to leave by 10:00. It worked and I headed down to meet them for lunch. I wasn't nervous at all, until J called called to tell me to "not be nervous and don't change your clothes 100 times" and then I WAS nervous and worried about what I was wearing! I ended up being a few minutes late, but it was probably good to give them more time to adjust to the whirlwind story that J was telling them! They have been in Hawaii since the 1st and have obviously missed a lot!

Within minutes, I was 100% comfortable. They are obviously great people. Very accepting and very excited for J and I. They were easy to be around, very warm and welcoming. The final discussion was, "just tell us where, when and what to wear." I was very relieved!

Leaving J was super hard. I want to cling to him and simply not let go! I'll see him in two days and it will just be us for the night . . . but I've pouted for most of the evening anyway!

Funny discussion about rings. I had talked to my Mom about her wedding set. J was waiting to talk to his Dad about his grandmother's wedding set. We'd looked at rings. Then his Stepmom offered up her rings . . . all these rings and nothing on my finger yet! So no more discussion about weddings until (a) ring is on my finger! Honestly, he could take a twist tie from the produce section and put it on my finger and I'd be content . . . at least until my finger turned green!

And seriously?

I don't want a church wedding, I really don't. But if I had to have one? (I know I don't HAVE to do anything . . . just thinking outloud.) I'm thinking this wouldn't be so bad?

Back to the Grind

I am having a hard time switching from J being here to being gone. Also having a difficult time turning on the work switch. The last six weeks have been such a blur. I can't quite fathom that I'm prepping another public hearing for the first week in February. It seems like I just did one!

D's school is kicking into high gear with lots of activities and events. More homework, more testing. It just seems a bit much for a bunch of six and seven year-olds! Added to the chaos is basketball. Not to mention baseball sign-ups are tomorrow and I begin a class at church . . . the coming weeks are enough to make me dizzy! I need for Spring to come and bring longer days. The cold and darkness is too much for me at this stage. I'm ready to be warm. Otherwise, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there! (Can I? It's 5:35 pm, freezing cold, raining and dark . . . it sounds feasible to me!)

Oh, and by the way? I will never run for 50 minutes again. Never again. I can't bend my feet or much else. I hurt.

Another 48 Hour Date

So, J thoroughly enjoys keeping me off-balance. Instead of going home after his 12 hour shift, he got in the car and called me at 2:15 am . . . from my front porch! He knew that if he told me, I'd flip out about him driving that late, that tired, etc. I was wearing old flannel pajamas and had left my room a total disaster while I sorted out clothes . . . welcome to my life, babe! At least he's seeing the real nature of our lives and home (although there's something to be said for keeping some of it a mystery). I got so jazzed about seeing him that I wasn't able to go back to sleep. So we were up until almost 6:00 am. Whoops! D woke me up at 7:15. So things were a little tired around here on Saturday.

J and I escaped for lunch, just the two of us and talked through some wedding stuff. He doesn't fully understand why I am so opposed to the full-blown traditional wedding. And I do understand that he hasn't had one. And he deserves to have that. So we'll need to find a compromise. I actually did some looking today and am fairly intrigued by the idea of a wedding in Yosemite. Keep the list fairly tight, mostly family and a few friends. Do more of a vacation-type atmosphere. There are lots of lodging options that could suit any preference for luxury vs. economy. It gave me some glimmer of excitement about pulling something together. Because when it's said and done, I just want to be his wife!

We saw "Hoodwinked" with D on Saturday afternoon. Worst. Kids. Movie. Ever. Indescribably BAD! Pizza for dinner and then headed for bed! I was too tired to function. D had a mini-breakdown (it was quite justifiable given the changes that have swept our home lately) and I literally just had to kiss him and walk away. He was over-tired and pulled a selfish tantrum, but again, he deserves to do that every so often.

Yesterday was much better as far as how I felt physically. I needed to gorcery shop (badly) and J sent me out the door while he hung with D. So nice to go to the store by myself without paying $10 per hour to do it! Then I came home and went for a run. Unfortunately, I was so relaxed and such in a complete escape mode, I went for 50 minutes instead of my typical 30. My legs are killing me right now!

D had a friend over and we migrated to the park a bit later. The boys (all three of them, including J) had a great time playing tag and hide/seek. I got some great pictures and it was good to see the sun! It was only one day, but it was better than nothing. Then we were off to see L&D, since he is leaving for Iraq tomorrow. It was a frantic, chaotic environment and I had to work to hold it together, but it was good to say goodbye. I am so committed to covering their family in prayer and service while he is gone. It is even more important to me now, knowing the full sacrifice these men make. The knowledge that I will have to release J to deployment at some point is the only thing that draws me towards insanity in this entire deal.

We finished the day with dinner at my Mom's. She and her boyfriend are a lot of fun to be around. I think he felt better after meeting J, since he was pretty much out of town and I fell in love over those 12 days that he was gone! J, D and I had a rousing game of Go Fish, in which we all spoke in English accents. My accent tended to swing towards a Scottish flavor . . . not sure where that came from. I love the fact that J gets right on the floor with us and connects at that silly level.

We came home and got D settled into bed. J then poured me a glass of wine and I knew that something was up as soon as he handed it to me! We talked through some of his past and worked through how those issues affect us now. It was good. I wish he would have brought it all up sooner. He got himself into quite the state, worrying about my reaction. I hope that he was reassured by my responses. It's going to take some time for both of us to grow through our insecurities and begin to truly trust how we react to the difficult stuff.

I was completely reassured, yet again, by the ease in which he infiltrates into our lives. I miss him so completely when he goes. Friday seems a long ways away.

Chocolate cake for dinner and the Annual Victoria Secret sale?

These two items should not be combined, by the way! You should never have chocolate cake while sitting in front of the computer, ordering lingerie! (Especially if you're drinking a margarita at the same time!)

I had to drive to Sacramento today for a meeting. Unfortunately, I was not able to coordinate schedules with J in order to see him. I did, however, consider driving a block away from his ER and "fainting" in order to spend some time with him. I did decide, that given the random nature of patient assignment, I'd likely end up with a scary, overweight female nurse who would see through my scheme! She'd probably find some excuse to give me a rectal exam while she was at it! Not what I was looking for, that's for sure!

He will be here in the morning. So I'm clinging to that. It will come soon enough. (Not really!) If I could re-harness that neurotic tendency of last week, then I could get a lot done between now and then. But instead, I'll have another piece of cake at some point and flip mindlessly through the channels while I fold the countless loads of laundry that have taken over my life. That is some excitement, baby!

A Few Photos, Just for Fun!

Hitting the Wall

Well, I made it past the 48 hour mark . . . barely. I made it all the way until about 1:30 today, which would have been, well . . . 55 hours since he left. It's getting longer! I got pretty pissy and irritated with work stuff. Got hungry for a bunch of crap and basically turned into a bit of a bitch. Unlike last week, I am not channeling my issues for the greater good. In fact, instead of hauling all that crap I sorted last week to Goodwill? I've just left it in the garage and parked in the driveway. Nice! I could at least move it to the side, but that would require going out there, and it's too dang cold!

J will be here Saturday morning. I'm going to try and set up a playdate for D so that we can spend some grown-up time during the day. Then we'll do something together and with our friends L&D, since he's deploying on Monday. That whole thing is making me feel so guilty for missing J while he's at work. Especially when there's all likelihood that someday I'll be sitting in her shoes when J deploys. Hopefully J will trade his Sunday shift for Monday and can just stay through Monday morning. If not, we'll make it work. God knows there is plenty that I should be doing on Sunday, but if he's able to be here, then all bets are off!

J called today and asked me and D to go to Texas with him next month to meet his Mom. I so appreciate his desire to include D, and honestly, since it's the weekend before his birthday trip, I wouldn't be able to find someone to watch D anyway . . . but it adds a different element of pressure. It means that I have to be impressive as a mom and as a wife-to-be, all at the same time. I know that I can pull it off, it just means a lot to me that his family likes me. This has all happened so fast and I can only hope that they do.

J is waffling on the wedding issue. (Not about whether to get married, rather to have a big wedding instead of a destination wedding.) He really wants to do the whole deal. I don't know if I can manage the poufy white dress thing again. I don't really want to have the bridesmaids in matching dresses and tuxes all around. I can't imagine my friends buying me ANOTHER wedding gift! So hopefully we'll talk through some of it this weekend and find out what each of us really wants and how to find a compromise that works. When I make a list of the people that I really want to be there (from my side), there are about 25. About 4 of them are absolutely necessary. I would guess that of the 25, 15 would travel to "somewhere" with us. But his family is the most important. And he needs to make that call. I would also gladly have a big reception here, later. But when it's all said and done, I want to make him happy, no matter what. I just hope to God it doesn't have to include a big white wedding dress - please!

A Bit 'O Catch Up (Or Ketchup, If You're So Inclined!)

So, the last few days in review ....

J surprised me on Sunday. I was hoping that he'd make it in time to go to church. Given that he'd worked until 12:30 am and was fighting a cold, I didn't expect to see him until after the sermon! A little after 8:00 am, I was working through my continuing neurosis by vacuuming and cleaning out closets when he called. I was surprised he was even awake. Turns out, he was more than awake . . . he was minutes away. Smart man that he was, he knew that would send me into fits. (There was a big part of that move that was purposeful.) While he may have intended to set me off-kilter, it was actually very good for me. He caught me unaware, in the midst of preparation, trying to make it all look good. Why would I want to walk into a relationship where he only saw the best or the limited view of "show quality"? I don't and won't. He saw through it before I was even aware.

We went back to N Church. Didn't want to, but they were praying for our friend who is deploying. It didn't feel good, nor right . . . but I felt protected because J was with me, arm around me and fully vested in the process. Went to lunch with my Mama. J and she held their own . . . it kind of felt like I was just along for the ride! Time at home, with a friend of D's over for a playdate and then to the park we went.

It was at the park that the "I love you" was officially said. It had been alluded to and skirted around, but it was there that it was said for the first time. And I do - love him that is. With my entire being, as ridiculous as that sounds at 11 days out.

Stopped by my Gram's. My sister and she had the chance to meet J. He got outsatnding reviews, of course. Anyone who knows me sees how happy I am and what a match we are for each other.

D broke down a bit and needed some normalacy. He is so excited. And so hopeful. It makes the risk that much higher, but I am willing to lay it all on the line right now. The potential for utter and complete joy is too great. D just needed to come home and have "normal" time again. J was very respectful of that.

J stayed. IN THE GUESTROOM. No matter how I try and sway him, the man is committed to honoring me. He refuses to turn this into a physical thing, although the chemistry between us is overwhelming. I teased him that if he continued ot hold back, I'd need to change his birthday plans. And speaking of plans, my heart is already there! Sand, ocean, over-sized balcony . . . I can't wait!

Monday I worked at home while J studied here as well. We had lunch with my Mama and picked up D together. Came home and J studied more. He and D had a pillow fight and hung out while I ran to the store. Dinner, showers and bedtime stories. J should have left (for his sake), but didn't. Ended up staying the night and leaving at 5:30 this morning.

It was all I could do to stop the tears when he left. I couldn't sleep. Didn't want to eat. It's dumb, but so overpowerng, I truly grieve him when he goes!

I met with DS, my long-time counselor today. He's the one who was hardest for me to approcah with this. At the conclusion, however, he is "pessimistically optimistic". He wants me to be healthy and wise and really . . . this scenario defies logic. But he's in for the long-haul and will let time play out. Next step will be for the three of us to meet up and talk.

My stomach hurts with missing him. It's only been 13 hours. I'm screwed. Saturday is a long time away.

Too Much to say and No Time to Say it!

The last two days have been amazing. (Yes, Sunday turned into Sunday AND Monday). I'll spend some time tonight catching up on here. But I have never been happier and more sure about anything in my life.


He is the one that I've waited my entire life for.

He's Coming Back Tomorrow . . .

My Grandpa was transported to rehab today. As if he doesn't already have enough troubles, the medi-trans service didn't secure his wheelchair in the van. So they took the corner and Grandpa starts rolling. Shouldn't that be something that you double check? Fortunately, he's OK. Shaken, but OK. I feel so badly for him right now. He so desperately wants to remember and be cognizant, but he's unable to grasp the basic details. So there's a lot of repeating. And he's emotional about it. He's scared and frustrated all at the same time. Who could blame him?

On to other matters . . . J and I have had the big talk about if and when he deploys, and how I will handle it. I completely (150%) support his participation in the military. It's a big part of who he is. It's a big part of his honorable nature that drew me to him. That being said, I am missing him so much. AND HE'S 1.5 HOURS AWAY . . . FOR TWO DAYS! What the heck am I going to do when we're talking months? Throw into that mix a bit of danger and I may get a little crazy. Or crazier than I currently am, anyway. But I'll pull it off, because he is so incredibly worth it.

I had no ability to know how much of my heart he would hold in such a short amount of time. My connection with him feels centuries old . . . not 8 days. What an unexpected blessing! I am so grateful. I saw a question on a message board today about recognizing Jesus if He stood next to you, and what you would say to Him. Right now, I would just say,"thank you." For both His sacrifice (obviously) and the unexpected blessing of finding true love - when I had given up all hope.

I had an amazing talk with my Gram today. (Hi, Gram!) She sees it in my face. She trusts me enough to forgo the math equation and allow my heart to overflow. She has such wisdom and such a loving nature. It has long been her desire to see both my Mom and I happy before she passes on. I think that she has many more years left in her, but that she will see that dream come to fruition in this year. When I tell her how he makes me feel and what an amazing man he is FOR ME, she just nods. She completely gets it and that acceptance is invaluable to me. I am so blessed to have had her my life for so long and to have such a phenomenal relationship with her.

Twitterpated . . .

is the word that J is using to describe the perpetual state of bliss that I have existed in for the last 6.5 days. (Those days, by the way, feel like the purpose of my entire life up until now. Other than D, of course.) So anyway, back to twitterpated. We used it for the word of the day at the school office today. I even provided the required three sample sentences. K took a photo so I will email to J later today. As a side note, according to Urban Dictionary, it's also a term for being high due to the affects of marijuana. I'm not smoking the dooby, I swear.

I have to meet with M today. Naively, I forgot how quickly talk spreads in this town. The connection between A and some of M's close friends necessitates that I talk with him and soon. I called him last night, but couldn't have the discussion over the phone. If I can't have face time with him today, however, then I will tell him over the phone. L thinks I'm crazy to meet with him, but he's a good friend to me, no matter what our differences. I didn't really think much about it, assuming that he could care less, but P disagrees. Then our brief conversation last night assured me that he has different expectations for us than I did. So we'll talk. It's just awkward. It's not as if we were in a relationship, or even dating. And I want to retain a friendship with him. I need to - our paths will cross because of K and P. So it's the right thing to do.

So, today, I am back into the clutter-buster mood. I could literally open up my house to strangers and let them descend like vultures and abscond with 90% of our belongings. D's room? OMG! Insane. Too many toys, not the right storage solutions, let me tell you! The front bedroom/craft room? Yikes. It's not pretty. Garbage bags and multiple trips to Goodwill are in my future.

But I feel like freeing up some space, letting go of some stuff will let me enjoy this time even more. I feel like the need that I've had to acquire "stuff" over the last several years is gone. I don't need to spend $100 at Target to feel content. And the hopelessness about home ownership is gone also. I've always felt so inadequate when it comes to buying a house in this market that I've just given up and spent on frivolous things. Because it didn't seem to matter. Suddenly, it matters. And I want to come to the table with my fair share.

So I am going to go fill up a couple of bags of crap. And breathe.

Settling in for the Ride

As odd as it seems (being six days in), I'm already easing into the rhythm of this. It feels so good. It feels so incredibly right. I miss him like crazy and he's just been gone for a couple of hours.

I loved watching him interact with D last night. Very natural, not pushy . . . just interested. I loved that he let me handle the one situation that arose with the kids, but connected with me when it was done to assess the issue. I love (but in the same breath hate) that he wouldn't stay over, even on the couch last night. He doesn't want to give D the wrong impression and confuse the situation. I love that he pulled back at the restaurant this morning once he knew that I knew the staff. He waited for me to show him affection and give him my cues, and then jumped right back in.

As I write this out, in black and white, it should appear to be insane and foolhardy. But it's not. My heart has confirmed it, as has his. My closest friends and family have confirmed it.

It's the real deal.

That being said, I am dying to go to bed. I am delirious with exhaustion. Time for bed. Crap, it's only 7:20.

Yep, He's the One

As much as that should send me running for a straitjacket, it barely fazes me. Well, in all honestly, it makes my stomach do constant little flips, but not in a terrible way.

He is literally everything that I have waited for in a man. He is honorable, just, intelligent, handsome, driven, kind, faithful, giving and thanks be to God, he's a planner. So important in the general arena of me keeping my sanity! He makes me feel cherished and safe.

Last night was amazing. We had a glass of wine at Monk's and then went down to Johnny's for dinner. Food was excellent, service was good . . . ambiance was the best! We had private little tables at each place and felt like we were the only ones in the room. I kept finding myself curled up on the seat, in the crook of his arm, having to remind myself to keep my feet on or near the ground!

We came back to my house. He's easy to have around. He felt comfortable, as did I. He's very respectful to me, physically. There's an amazing amount of passion between us, but he is keeping it in check and above board. He grabbed my high school yearbooks off the top shelf and had quite the giggle over my impressively big hair. I may have frightened him when I mentioned it was coming back into fashion!

It was great. Perfect, even. It did not feel anything like a first date. More like the 47th.

The Big Chuck

I am the best Mom in the world! I survived the dreaded Chuck E. Cheese birthday party! And the kids loved it. $275 later, I have showered and decontaminated and although I am a bit befuddled as to the final price tag, it is over! And really, that's all that matters, isn't it?

We had a fun group of kids. Most parents did the drop-off, and really, who could blame them? There was only one point in which I could not locate 1 of the 18 kids left in my care, and it was just a moment. (Thank God the moment was over just prior to his Mom showing up!) In my defense, he was present at all times - I just couldn't see him. Maybe it was all the germs and chaos clouding my vision?

But the birthday boy enjoyed himself immensely. And scored some serious toys. Cool LEGOs, spy gear, Power Rangers and nifty vehicles. All of the stuff that a seven-year old boy craves. And I have had a glass of wine - which is exactly what I craved through it all! (I did consider medicating, but it wasn't worth the use of a precious Ativan, nor truly necessary. Just a fleeting thought.)

Gladly, I am now able to focus on my evening with J. tomorrow night. He's heading up to take me out to dinner. I am looking forward to it like crazy! He has something up his sleeve, but I am surprisingly willing to go along with it. He's picking me at at 6:00, because there's something that he wants to do before our dinner reservation at 8:00. I have no clue. And that's really nice for me, for a change. Because I am always the one with the plans. Always the one with the clue. And it's nice to be taken care of, even if it's just for one evening. Although I have a feeling that it could be a lot more than that.

Now I am off to survey the closet and determine what to wear. Since he's only seen me in camo pants and a wife-beater, it shouldn't be too hard to beat. So why the incessant desire/need to go and buy something new? Must fight the shopping urge! Must wear something in my over-stuffed closet!

New Year's Eve and What NOT to Do with Magnetix

Seven Years Ago, Today

Exactly seven years ago, I was in the worst pain of my life. In labor and asking my Mom, "how much worse is this going to get?" She had the good sense to be non-committal in her response! It did get worse - a lot worse. But then it got better - amazingly wonderful.

My water broke at 10:00 on New Year's Eve. I was babysitting my nephew. I was getting him ready for bed and he was going potty for the last time before he hit the sheets. Poor kids never saw it coming . . . one minute, he's standing up, peeing like a big boy and next thing you know, I'm swinging him out of the way because all of this water is gushing down my legs! (He peed a complete circle around the bathroom - in all the commotion, it probably never got cleaned up!)

My first coherent thought at the time was, "shit, now C is going to know that I've been wearing his boxers!" I called the restaurant and told his sister, who in turn, told the entire restaurant that I was in labor! They came home and we all went to the hospital and rang in the New Year while they put a monitor on me. They said I could stay or go, so I decided to go home and try and get some rest. I called my folks and they headed up. It was clear and cold, with a beautiful full moon.

By the time my parents made it up, I was ready to try and get some sleep. It didn't really happen, but I dozed off and on for a while. By 7:00 am we were back at the hospital, this time for good. They hooked me up to a pitocin drip and the fun began! Having D in a tiny rural hospital had its perks - I was the only patient under the age of 85, so I got lots of attention.

I did OK through the morning. Felt good enough to eat a contraband sandwich at noon. Tried to play some cards, but couldn't focus. Tried to read, but that wasn't working well either. By 1:00 pm, the pitocin had been turned up every hour, but I wasn't progressing past 3 cm. I was hurting and getting scared. My Mom was awesome. Very encouraging, but realistic. I just got stuck - and that's never a good thing when you're having a baby! During that time, I ended up with the L&D nurse from hell. She had fake fingernails that were like daggers, and an attitude to match! My mom intervened (loved that!) and a family friend, L, who happened to be an L&D nurse, was called in. My Aunt L called a few times and talked me through some contractions (which she is very good at) since she was too far away to make it to my L&D room.

Finally, Doctor came by at 5:00, wanting to check me before he had dinner. He decided to try and break my water again. And boy did he! Turns out that I had a secondary bag and when it broke, things started to move! I also asked for an enema. That was a sticky (shitty) situation! Because by then, I was contracting every 30 seconds. And no matter what I now think of my former sister-in-law, she's the one that got me from the bed to the toilet and it wasn't a fun task, let me tell you!

Between 6:00 and 7:30, I went from a 2-3 dilation to a 10. And the doctor was home having dinner. And the anesthesiologist was stuck because of ice. So an epidural was not an option! And while it was nice to finally have some movement and change, it wasn't nice that it happened as hard and fast as it did.

All of a sudden, everyone was rushing around, breaking down the bed, talking about the nurse administering anesthesia in case of an emergency C-section and getting the doctor . . . right now please! My Dad, who had previously declined to be in the delivery room was given no choice and pressed into service to move furniture and break the bed into the delivery position. Doctor arrived, and changed in the bathroom . . . hopping into scrubs while leaning out and telling me to stop pushing until he got his gloves on. I started using the F-word as my mantra, snarling about the F-ing anesthesiologist and the F-ing this and that! I began to whip my head back and forth, creating a tangle in the base of my hair that took weeks to get out - I was having a Linda Blair moment and no one was faulting me for it. My Mom and L kept me sane - or at least close to it!

Finally, Doctor said I could push. Two blinding pushes through the immense and indescribable pain and we had a little boy! D did a little flip upon exit and thank God for Doctor having good football hands! He caught the slippery little guy and that was that!

The feeling of the chaos changed almost immediately. There was relief and joy. There were tears and laughter. I was so tired. And so proud of myself. And so relieved that it was over! There was a focus that I hadn't had through the previous nine months. There was a knowledge deep inside of my heart that I would be enough. That if I had to do it alone, that I could. I hadn't been sure until that moment.

God, what a moment. There were lots of people around. My soon-to-be ex-husband. My parents. The doctor and nurse. My soon-to-be ex-inlaws arrived seconds after I had delivered. It was noisy, but I felt quiet.

And now he's seven years old. I am not quite sure how that could be? He is the joy and light of my life. I couldn't ask for a better little guy. He amazes me with his intelligence and creativity. The fullness of his heart and the sweet, sweaty smell of his head at the end of the day. His energy and humor both overwhelm and delight me. God knew the full depth of my heart when He granted me this little boy to call my own.

Happy Birthday, baby.