Conflicted . . .

So my stomach is really upset. I am sure that it's just too much stuff going on, but it's bothering me nonetheless. I feel overwhelmed by the entire idea of buying a home. It makes me want to crawl back under the covers and hide until the thought goes away. I've never been super responsible when it comes to finances. I'm having a hard time with it right now.

I feel like such a loser that I come to the table with literally nothing to offer. I feel really ashamed and it makes it hard for me to talk calmly through it with J. I know, that in theory, I have had my plate REALLY full for the last 8 years. I know that when I had D, I was in debt up to my eyeballs and was making $24K a year as a teacher. I was spending all that I had and more. Instead of shifting that habit around when I began to make more, I simply began to spend more. So why am I so afraid to handle money responsibly? I have a long-time habit of developing budgets that I don't follow. I'm the only one to blame. Now that there is so much at stake, I'm scared.

I really want his help in all of this. In all honesty, I want him to handle it. Period. Give me a freakin' allowance - I don't care! (Saying that, I realize how archaic it sounds, and I know how hard that would be for me, but still . . . ) I just want to help him fulfill his wildest dreams for our family and I'm afraid that I'm too much of a risk in that area. It sucks, big time.

Added to the financial shit, I found out today that a long-time family friend has had a relapse with her ovarian cancer. She is a woman that has already dealt with way too much shit in her life. And she's done it with the most grace and kindness ever imaginable. Their family deserves so much more than this.

It must be Monday.