Thursday, March 23, 2006

Breakdown, Breakdown

So my little guy, D, had the long-expected breakdown last night. He was tired, overwhelmed, confused, overloaded, worried . . . all wrapped into one. He has been so busy lately, mostly because of J and I getting engaged, looking for a house, etc. Not too mention the sneaky little bully at school. But I'll take care of that little problem, if I have to! Damn first graders!

Everything that we (D and I) have known for 7 years has shifted in the last three months. Heck, I've had major breakdowns! So he was a total booger to me last night. Attitude up the ying-yang! I responded by putting him in the shower and heading him towards bed. Before we got there, however, he lost it. Wrapped in a clean white towel, fresh from the shower . . . still wet, for that matter . . . he just curled up on my lap and cried. He misses J when he is gone. He misses him so much that he wished that we'd never met him. But since we HAVE met him, he just has to miss him. (This is all straight from him, the little 7-year-old therapist.)

D is so afraid to hold onto the relationship that he has made with J. D has never known his birthdad and that still cuts deeply into his emotional development. He wants so desperately to cling to J, but he is afraid. Because no matter what I have said and done over the last several years, D has some belief that his birthdad left because of him. Which breaks my heart into a million pieces. He is desperately afraid that J will leave too.

It would be easier if I could just explain the whole issue of sexual preference to D and expect him to grasp and accept the concept. I can imagine the conversation . . . "Baby, your birthdad didn't leave because of you. He left because of me. Because Mommies and Daddies have something called sex. And your Daddy only likes to have sex with other men. And Mommy is not a man . . . " Needless to say, it's not a conversation we'll be having anytime soon. But I still wish there was an easy way to take the pressure off of my most awesome little guy.

Let's see . . . some random thoughts:

1. Wedding: still no place . . . therefore still no date.
2. House: both homes that we want are still firmly in escrow. Not with us.
3. My Body: bloated, too big, too jiggly . . . but not pregnant. (And I know this because of my incessant need to take pregnancy tests before having a glass of wine or cold medicine. I need to be buying them at the Dollar Store or get my neurosis under control!)
4. Family: descending upon the Chico area tomorrow. For a LONG weekend.
5. Fashion: did you know that freakin' leggings are coming back into style? Jiminy Christmas! What's next? Stirrup pants and flats? Yikes!
6. Hormones: fairly normal - thanks be to God
7. Weather: getting better
8. My House: messy.
9. My Current State: exhausted.

Does that suffice for a random, slightly past my bedtime post? I THINK SO! AND I AM STILL THE BOSS OF ME!

However, a post script is necessary . . . D is rockin' at baseball. I think that my little guy may have gained some coordination this year. Smacking balls, making plays and the most important thing? Loving it. The most impressive thing? Not crying, like last year. I am ALL ABOUT the sports that do not invoke tears. Amen to that!

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