Tuesday, January 10, 2006

A Bit 'O Catch Up (Or Ketchup, If You're So Inclined!)

So, the last few days in review ....

J surprised me on Sunday. I was hoping that he'd make it in time to go to church. Given that he'd worked until 12:30 am and was fighting a cold, I didn't expect to see him until after the sermon! A little after 8:00 am, I was working through my continuing neurosis by vacuuming and cleaning out closets when he called. I was surprised he was even awake. Turns out, he was more than awake . . . he was minutes away. Smart man that he was, he knew that would send me into fits. (There was a big part of that move that was purposeful.) While he may have intended to set me off-kilter, it was actually very good for me. He caught me unaware, in the midst of preparation, trying to make it all look good. Why would I want to walk into a relationship where he only saw the best or the limited view of "show quality"? I don't and won't. He saw through it before I was even aware.

We went back to N Church. Didn't want to, but they were praying for our friend who is deploying. It didn't feel good, nor right . . . but I felt protected because J was with me, arm around me and fully vested in the process. Went to lunch with my Mama. J and she held their own . . . it kind of felt like I was just along for the ride! Time at home, with a friend of D's over for a playdate and then to the park we went.

It was at the park that the "I love you" was officially said. It had been alluded to and skirted around, but it was there that it was said for the first time. And I do - love him that is. With my entire being, as ridiculous as that sounds at 11 days out.

Stopped by my Gram's. My sister and she had the chance to meet J. He got outsatnding reviews, of course. Anyone who knows me sees how happy I am and what a match we are for each other.

D broke down a bit and needed some normalacy. He is so excited. And so hopeful. It makes the risk that much higher, but I am willing to lay it all on the line right now. The potential for utter and complete joy is too great. D just needed to come home and have "normal" time again. J was very respectful of that.

J stayed. IN THE GUESTROOM. No matter how I try and sway him, the man is committed to honoring me. He refuses to turn this into a physical thing, although the chemistry between us is overwhelming. I teased him that if he continued ot hold back, I'd need to change his birthday plans. And speaking of plans, my heart is already there! Sand, ocean, over-sized balcony . . . I can't wait!

Monday I worked at home while J studied here as well. We had lunch with my Mama and picked up D together. Came home and J studied more. He and D had a pillow fight and hung out while I ran to the store. Dinner, showers and bedtime stories. J should have left (for his sake), but didn't. Ended up staying the night and leaving at 5:30 this morning.

It was all I could do to stop the tears when he left. I couldn't sleep. Didn't want to eat. It's dumb, but so overpowerng, I truly grieve him when he goes!

I met with DS, my long-time counselor today. He's the one who was hardest for me to approcah with this. At the conclusion, however, he is "pessimistically optimistic". He wants me to be healthy and wise and really . . . this scenario defies logic. But he's in for the long-haul and will let time play out. Next step will be for the three of us to meet up and talk.

My stomach hurts with missing him. It's only been 13 hours. I'm screwed. Saturday is a long time away.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home